Let the battle begin!

I disappeared for a while becuase sometimes that is just easier. As most of you will find it odd that I am so open about my medical information, let me reassure you that it is oddly therapeutic for me. When I write it down, and constantly repeat it, I can't escape it. I can't run away. I didn't post about my last doctor visit becuase to be quite blunt and honest, it scared the shit out of me! Today I had another Dr. appointment and I feel that I owe to all of you who have been praying for me and been along on this fight by my side. And as I said before, this is good therapy for me!

I learned that with my stage of cancer, there is a 98% chance that it will come back. With all of the treatment I will be going through, my chance of reaccurance is lowered to 60%, which is amazing. I believe that I can be in that 40% bracket. I also learned that my chances of having children again are very slim to none. My fertility may return, but getting pregnant again is just asking for trouble, since my cancer was estrogen fed. This hit me like a Mack truck.. as if having my boobs removed wasn't enough, I had this to deal with too. I sat back and started feeling like a spoiled brat. "BUT YOU ARE ALIVE KASEY! YOU HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE AND DAMN GOOD ONE!" So shut up.. I sat with my daughter and realized that I already have a biological child, and what a perfect one she is. If you get right the first time, why mess it up? As Cami was sitting on my lap, blowing me kisses, I thought about someone not wanting her. I couldn't imagine someone not wanting my little angel and how awful it must feel to have to give your child away. All of a sudden, I came to terms with adoption, and how much it would mean to me to raise a little baby, and love him/her when no one else could. All of a sudden, life seemed right again. Cambria will have siblings, I get to live that much longer, and I am surrounded by everything I could possibly want or need.

Thursday at 9:15am, I will walk in to the Chemo Bay and have my first treatment. I will receive 4 dose dense treatments throughout the next 8 weeks. After those 8 weeks, I will be going in everyday, Monday through Friday for 6 weeks to receive my radiation treatments. Following that, I will be on a drug for the next 5 years of my life. My first thought? I get to have 5 more years!! Funny how your life switches gears. My side effects and symptoms are long for all the drugs I am about to take. At this point, I am willing to do anything to be here to see my daughter off to Kindergarten, to see my husband be promoted.. and so on. I used to look at people in their 80s and think, "oh man I don't ever want to get old!" Now when I see a healthy woman walk by or an old man with a cane, I think "How lucky they are to have so much time here.. I can only hope to be that lucky."

This treatment is going to knock my socks off. It will leave me feeling sad, ugly, emotional, happy, grateful, tired, alive, hopeful and all of the above. I know that with the amount of support I have, my medical team and God I will make it through. I will help someone and I will be on a new life track.. one that I have no control over and I will be perfectly fine with that. All we have is right now, and for the first time I feel that statement throughout every part of me. I will fight. I will win.

"And the only solution was to stand and fight,
And my body was bruised and
I was set alight,
But you came over me like some holy rite,
And although I was burning,
You're the only light
Only if for a night" - Florence + the Machine