Spinach Artichoke Dip

Remember when this blog used to have recipes?! The thought of prep work lately is enough to make me want to take a nap. So due to the lack of energy, there has been a lack of cooking in my kitchen, which never makes me happy. So Ladies and Gentlemen.. where there is a will there is a way! The way is my lovely crockpot. I personally feel that every person in the world should own one.. so my crockpot may just become my right hand and ease me back into the cooking world once again!

Being vegan is a lot of fun, BUT I won't lie I do miss one thing.. spinach artichoke dip.. there is nothing like a creamy cheesy dip on a piece of toast.. so here is my veganized version that is ten times better than any spin dip I had before.. and it's easy!

You will need:

• 10oz of baby spinach (about 2 cups)
• 1 can of quartered artichoke hearts NOT marinated
• 1 clove of garlic minced
• 1 small onion minced (finely finely diced)
• a splash of liquid smoke
• olive oil for the skillet (about 2 tablespoons)
• 1/4 tsp paprika
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• a DASH of water
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 recipe of cashew sour cream
• combine 3/4 cups cashews
• juice of about half a lemon
• 1/2 cup of water
• Put this all in food processor and puree until combined and creamy

Oil the crockpot a little bit with spray oil.. I prefer spray olive oil or spray canola oil. Put all of the ingredients in your handy crockpot and mix well... set your crockpot to medium and allow it to work it's thing for about 45 minutes to an hour. If you have an older crockpot and you can't choose your setting, it will automatically be on low.. so leave it for about 1 and a half hours to 2 hours. This is perfect the way it is, but if you would like to add your vegan cheese of choice, feel free to play! You can't go wrong!

If you are using this recipe to put over pasta like I did, then just dump the can of artichoke hearts in the crock pot.. if you want to use it more as a dip, spoon out the artichoke hearts and add about half of the liquid that is in the can.

Enjoy!!

How Am I Feeling?

I am asked a lot how I am feeling. How am I holding up and how do I stay so positive. My answer is always good, or because I pray. These answers sum it up quite well and create a conversation that takes a new direction. I am good, because of my support and the fact that I am alive. I am positive because I pray a lot and ask God to speak through me and help me on my path that I hope is very long.

The truth is, I feel a multitude of emotions at once and some that I never thought I had the ability to feel. So to answer your question, how am I feeling?

I feel joyous to be alive and to wake up to my family each morning. I feel confused because I did everything "right." I feel Optimistic because I am a positive person by nature. I am bitter to all of the young couples who get to choose how many children they want in their family. I feel grateful that my life has never gone as planned and for that reason I am a mom and a wife! Sometimes I feel beyond terrified at the chance that this might come back and I will have to find this strength all over again. I feel thankful that millions of women have already done this and that 50 year survivors are not that rare. I feel empowered that each year over 192,000 women will enter my shoes and do and feel the same EXACT feelings that I feel right now. I feel mad that I had such beautiful hair and now it's gone. I feel sick of being sick and just want to be a normal 24 year old. Sometimes I feel devastated that I can hear my daughter in the living room crying and know exactly what she wants and can't do anything about it when I am feeling sick. I am more than grateful that my mother-in-law's life has allowed her to help my famiy in these times, and I try really hard to not let my anger of not always being able to be there for Cambria, overshadow just how amazing I think Sue is as a woman. Her love is more than I could imagine anyone loving a person, and because of that love my family experiences no kinks no matter how I feel that day, she is always there to pick up where I left off Willingly.Before my surgery and during recovery, my father-in-law and mother-in-law Penny, housed Cambria and I, bringing me breakfast every morning and caring 24/7 for Cambria so that all I had to do was heal. My parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were always too eager to visit and brightened my day no matter which emotion I was feeling that day. Often times I am jealous, that others get to laugh and play with Cambria when I physically just do not have the energy, but know that that is where I want to be. I know I won't get that time back.

I feel selfish for feeling all of these emotions. For taking for granted what I do have. Family that is here for all of us and instead of spending their free time watching The Housewives of Orange County, are planning a benefit in my honor to take away any financial pressure we are feeling, friends to cheer me on, a live-in caregiver. A husband who tells me everyday that I am beautiful. The fact that I even have one child period. I feel selfish because I have such a great chance at this never coming back, and it has never been a question of life or death in my case. I sometimes ask God how I dodged a bullet. Thanking Him for containing my cancer as much as He did and making it operable. I have never laughed so hard, cried to the point that my chest hurt, and shook so much in my life as I have the past month. I feel gratitude for the doctors and nurses who are passionate about what they do, and because of that I am receiving the best care possible. I am thankful for modern medicine as well as complementary medicine and its overwhelming data.

Life is not ours.. it just isn't. All of these feelings are what makes me human. So when people tell me that I have inspired them by my strength, I am always puzzled. Touched, but puzzled. I am no stronger than anyone else who would be in my situation. I am strong because I know what I am fighting and I know God is with me in this. This is bigger than I am and that in itself was a realization. If nothing else, this has been humbling to me. I no longer expect to see Cambria leave for her first dance, or walk down the isle. I don't even expect to see her kiss me goodbye for her first day of kindergarten. No.. these are not our moments that we just get. These are blessings and I will not take a damn thing for granted. So by realizing exactly how I feel, I am able to turn that jealousy into ability. I am able to be thankful that I have vision and can watch Cambria play. I am thankful that my family is here and my mother-in-law knows my daughter so well that she can get her to laugh just as hard as I can. I am thankful that my husband could care less if we have matching hair cuts. I am thankful that I have NEVER taken life seriously and my fallback defense to anything is humor. Life and it's moments are NOT just something we get. Growing old is not a burden, it is a blessing and I hope to have wrinkles one day! haha.

So when you ask me this, this is exactly how I feel. I read my facebook responses and motivational quotes all of the time for reassurance. The amount of beautiful souls that have entered my life is such an overwhelming feeling I cannot put it in words. So this is how I am feeling.. this is how I am doing.. and this is how I am staying so damn positive!

Let the battle begin!

I disappeared for a while becuase sometimes that is just easier. As most of you will find it odd that I am so open about my medical information, let me reassure you that it is oddly therapeutic for me. When I write it down, and constantly repeat it, I can't escape it. I can't run away. I didn't post about my last doctor visit becuase to be quite blunt and honest, it scared the shit out of me! Today I had another Dr. appointment and I feel that I owe to all of you who have been praying for me and been along on this fight by my side. And as I said before, this is good therapy for me!

I learned that with my stage of cancer, there is a 98% chance that it will come back. With all of the treatment I will be going through, my chance of reaccurance is lowered to 60%, which is amazing. I believe that I can be in that 40% bracket. I also learned that my chances of having children again are very slim to none. My fertility may return, but getting pregnant again is just asking for trouble, since my cancer was estrogen fed. This hit me like a Mack truck.. as if having my boobs removed wasn't enough, I had this to deal with too. I sat back and started feeling like a spoiled brat. "BUT YOU ARE ALIVE KASEY! YOU HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE AND DAMN GOOD ONE!" So shut up.. I sat with my daughter and realized that I already have a biological child, and what a perfect one she is. If you get right the first time, why mess it up? As Cami was sitting on my lap, blowing me kisses, I thought about someone not wanting her. I couldn't imagine someone not wanting my little angel and how awful it must feel to have to give your child away. All of a sudden, I came to terms with adoption, and how much it would mean to me to raise a little baby, and love him/her when no one else could. All of a sudden, life seemed right again. Cambria will have siblings, I get to live that much longer, and I am surrounded by everything I could possibly want or need.

Thursday at 9:15am, I will walk in to the Chemo Bay and have my first treatment. I will receive 4 dose dense treatments throughout the next 8 weeks. After those 8 weeks, I will be going in everyday, Monday through Friday for 6 weeks to receive my radiation treatments. Following that, I will be on a drug for the next 5 years of my life. My first thought? I get to have 5 more years!! Funny how your life switches gears. My side effects and symptoms are long for all the drugs I am about to take. At this point, I am willing to do anything to be here to see my daughter off to Kindergarten, to see my husband be promoted.. and so on. I used to look at people in their 80s and think, "oh man I don't ever want to get old!" Now when I see a healthy woman walk by or an old man with a cane, I think "How lucky they are to have so much time here.. I can only hope to be that lucky."

This treatment is going to knock my socks off. It will leave me feeling sad, ugly, emotional, happy, grateful, tired, alive, hopeful and all of the above. I know that with the amount of support I have, my medical team and God I will make it through. I will help someone and I will be on a new life track.. one that I have no control over and I will be perfectly fine with that. All we have is right now, and for the first time I feel that statement throughout every part of me. I will fight. I will win.

"And the only solution was to stand and fight,
And my body was bruised and
I was set alight,
But you came over me like some holy rite,
And although I was burning,
You're the only light
Only if for a night" - Florence + the Machine