How Am I Feeling?

I am asked a lot how I am feeling. How am I holding up and how do I stay so positive. My answer is always good, or because I pray. These answers sum it up quite well and create a conversation that takes a new direction. I am good, because of my support and the fact that I am alive. I am positive because I pray a lot and ask God to speak through me and help me on my path that I hope is very long.

The truth is, I feel a multitude of emotions at once and some that I never thought I had the ability to feel. So to answer your question, how am I feeling?

I feel joyous to be alive and to wake up to my family each morning. I feel confused because I did everything "right." I feel Optimistic because I am a positive person by nature. I am bitter to all of the young couples who get to choose how many children they want in their family. I feel grateful that my life has never gone as planned and for that reason I am a mom and a wife! Sometimes I feel beyond terrified at the chance that this might come back and I will have to find this strength all over again. I feel thankful that millions of women have already done this and that 50 year survivors are not that rare. I feel empowered that each year over 192,000 women will enter my shoes and do and feel the same EXACT feelings that I feel right now. I feel mad that I had such beautiful hair and now it's gone. I feel sick of being sick and just want to be a normal 24 year old. Sometimes I feel devastated that I can hear my daughter in the living room crying and know exactly what she wants and can't do anything about it when I am feeling sick. I am more than grateful that my mother-in-law's life has allowed her to help my famiy in these times, and I try really hard to not let my anger of not always being able to be there for Cambria, overshadow just how amazing I think Sue is as a woman. Her love is more than I could imagine anyone loving a person, and because of that love my family experiences no kinks no matter how I feel that day, she is always there to pick up where I left off Willingly.Before my surgery and during recovery, my father-in-law and mother-in-law Penny, housed Cambria and I, bringing me breakfast every morning and caring 24/7 for Cambria so that all I had to do was heal. My parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were always too eager to visit and brightened my day no matter which emotion I was feeling that day. Often times I am jealous, that others get to laugh and play with Cambria when I physically just do not have the energy, but know that that is where I want to be. I know I won't get that time back.

I feel selfish for feeling all of these emotions. For taking for granted what I do have. Family that is here for all of us and instead of spending their free time watching The Housewives of Orange County, are planning a benefit in my honor to take away any financial pressure we are feeling, friends to cheer me on, a live-in caregiver. A husband who tells me everyday that I am beautiful. The fact that I even have one child period. I feel selfish because I have such a great chance at this never coming back, and it has never been a question of life or death in my case. I sometimes ask God how I dodged a bullet. Thanking Him for containing my cancer as much as He did and making it operable. I have never laughed so hard, cried to the point that my chest hurt, and shook so much in my life as I have the past month. I feel gratitude for the doctors and nurses who are passionate about what they do, and because of that I am receiving the best care possible. I am thankful for modern medicine as well as complementary medicine and its overwhelming data.

Life is not ours.. it just isn't. All of these feelings are what makes me human. So when people tell me that I have inspired them by my strength, I am always puzzled. Touched, but puzzled. I am no stronger than anyone else who would be in my situation. I am strong because I know what I am fighting and I know God is with me in this. This is bigger than I am and that in itself was a realization. If nothing else, this has been humbling to me. I no longer expect to see Cambria leave for her first dance, or walk down the isle. I don't even expect to see her kiss me goodbye for her first day of kindergarten. No.. these are not our moments that we just get. These are blessings and I will not take a damn thing for granted. So by realizing exactly how I feel, I am able to turn that jealousy into ability. I am able to be thankful that I have vision and can watch Cambria play. I am thankful that my family is here and my mother-in-law knows my daughter so well that she can get her to laugh just as hard as I can. I am thankful that my husband could care less if we have matching hair cuts. I am thankful that I have NEVER taken life seriously and my fallback defense to anything is humor. Life and it's moments are NOT just something we get. Growing old is not a burden, it is a blessing and I hope to have wrinkles one day! haha.

So when you ask me this, this is exactly how I feel. I read my facebook responses and motivational quotes all of the time for reassurance. The amount of beautiful souls that have entered my life is such an overwhelming feeling I cannot put it in words. So this is how I am feeling.. this is how I am doing.. and this is how I am staying so damn positive!